Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
