dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
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