i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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