remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
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