its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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