i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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