Did you see 7 ppl got hurt at Talladaga?
Did they get their mullets stuck in an engine?
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
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