Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
