I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Randomize
