so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
