That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Randomize
