Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
