she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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