Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
