After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
a search helicopter?!
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
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