I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
Randomize
