Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Randomize
