I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
