just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Randomize
