I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Randomize
