life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
My hot female boss's cubical is right next to mine with a wall between us. Do you think it is too forward to make a glory hole in the wall?
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Randomize
