hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Randomize
