so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
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