I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
Who died my cat blue again?
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
Randomize
