if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
