Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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