my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
