To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
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