Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
