Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Sex in the backyard? Check.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
