I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
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