Dork........ .......... .. . ...... ........... .. . ... ...... .. . .... ..... .. .... ... .......... .... . . ..... Yeah its morse code, no big deal
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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