best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
