zippers are such a cool invention
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
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