so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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