Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
