Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Randomize
