Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
