Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Randomize
