i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
that may or may not have been my penis.
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