he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
Randomize
