Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
thus making me awesome and them whores
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
