Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
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