I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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