does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
