I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
So vagazzling was a success
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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