well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
