I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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