So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
