I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
Randomize
