she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
