Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Randomize
