...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Randomize
