lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
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