She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize