so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Randomize
