I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Randomize
