I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Randomize
