and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
Let's get the cat blown out
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Randomize
