party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Randomize
